Sarah Bahbah Exclusive Interview About Surviving Child Abuse
When you Google Sarah Bahbah, more than one headline describes her as a photographer whose work you've probably seen all over Instagram and beyond. She’s partnered with Gucci, and had her artwork in galleries from Los Angeles to New York City to Miami. Her own account has earned an impressive following, which, at the time this story was published, had over 521,000 followers. You may remember her work from earlier this year, when she featured Dylan Sprouse in a series about heartbreak from the male lens to show that guys can be vulnerable as well. Her photos, which typically features subtitle-like text, explore themes like love, pain, and sex. Tonight, she'll release the final scene in her latest series “I Could Not Protect Her". She opened up to Teen Vogue for an exclusive interview about what the series has meant to her all along: surviving sexual abuse as a child.
“As a child I remember everything was ‘a secret,’” the Palestinian-born, Australian-raised photographer said. “I was constantly silenced by the manipulative notion of ‘you’re my favorite. Don’t tell anyone.’”
She continued, “more often than not, I was lured by material things in order to be alone with the predators. If any abuse was happening and witnessed, I was blamed for being inappropriate, because there’s no way ‘the man’ could be.”
Her photo series, which focuses on her personal journey with trauma, is presented in typical Sarah Bahbah fashion: beautiful, saturated bodies inviting us to witness intimate moments and painful conversations in scenes that look like stills from a film. The subjects appear in love with their partners, but perhaps not as much as they are with themselves.
“I miss you, but I never want to see you again,” an earlier image from the series reads. Her characters are telling us her story, and in these final scenes we see them beginning to heal. It is uncomfortable, liberating, and, most of all, brave. Coinciding with the release of the final scene on her Instagram account, Sarah plans to read a corresponding poem live on her Instagram.
This isn’t the first time the 26-year-old has been so emotionally vulnerable. She says she's hinted at struggling with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders from a young age, all of which she attributes to her childhood abuse.
Read on for her exclusive interview with Teen Vogue.
If you want to talk to someone anonymously, call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 800.4.A.CHILD (422-4453), any time 24/7. If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can seek help by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673). For more resources on sexual assault, visit SafeBae, RAINN, End Rape on Campus, Know Your IX, and the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.
1/9Teen Vogue: Why did you decide to open up about the trauma you've experienced?
Sarah Bahbah: In recent months, I’ve slowly been opening up publicly about my battles with anxiety and depression. Now more than ever, I am finally in a good place mentally, physically and spiritually. I am finding myself having many epiphanies of euphoria in freedom throughout my days.
2/9TV: Can you talk about the trauma you experienced when you were younger?
SB: I recall being hit with a broom by someone after having had them walk in on harassment taking place. The witness felt shame and protective over the man, which lead the blame to be shifted on me, the child. The stigma around child sexual abuse is very real, and in my experiences the women have been silenced for so long, and in my case, it was easier for the women to dissociate then to validate what was actually happening by way of not talking about it, and pretending it wasn’t happening, whether it be consciously or subconsciously.
3/9TV: How does being silenced as a child inform you now?
SB: For my entire life, I have experienced resistance to my identity. It has always been a struggle to show pride in myself because of my experiences as a child. It was only pain and suffering.
As a child, I was constantly dismissed. The disregard for my existence raised me into an apathetic adult- completely disassociated from my emotions. It was only until my trauma resurfaced that I understood that my work had become a projection of my childhood. Through my art I had begun to manifest freedom. My sole intent in my work and my being is to practice transparency of my emotions, and to express, express, express, as for so long I didn’t have a voice. Through my art I’m creating a safe space for expression for myself, and in doing so, I hope to empower others to do the same.
4/9TV: How early do you remember having panic attacks?
SB: I can remember being around 4 or 5. I remember it was like a cycle. It wasn’t just one time. I would go into these shaking fits. My hands and legs would be shaking. I remember my mom and sister would be sitting on my bed and they’d say “you just worry too much.” They didn’t realize I was having panic attacks.
5/9TV: Can you tell me about the your eating disorders?
SB: I struggled with eating disorders and body dysmorphia in middle school, and then again as a young adult. I was starving myself or throwing up as a result of having a compulsive desire to maintain my childlike body shape. I was most validated when I didn’t have boobs or hips, because my predators were validating me sexually. In my mind, that’s when I was "loved" the most. I didn’t understand what sex was [and what it wasn't].
TV: Did anyone ever talk to you about sex?
SB: We were raised in a Christian home, and I was raised to believe that I should wait until marriage to have sex, and that I wasn’t allowed to touch myself. I never got the sex talk. Something I only recently remembered is that when I slept as a child, I would sleep with my hands in my pants, like I was shielding my vagina. I was trying to protect myself. I would get told off for doing it. There was a lot of fear around sex.
6/9TV: Did you have any help in figuring this out?
SB: At 24, I reached an extremely low point. Wrapped in bad habits of addiction to hard drugs, bulimia, and essentially self sabotage. The crazy part was, I was so aware of my actions and intentionally causing myself pain. To the point where, I drove my ass to the desert for a solo 10-day retreat to be with myself and try and figure out why I was doing the things I was doing. I started reading a book called The Drama Of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller.
One by one the flashbacks of my child abuse poured in. I remember throwing the book across the balcony and staring into space, watching all these scenes unravel. That book did a lot of things to me, but most importantly put me in therapy to undergo my path to healing.
7/9TV: What happened next?
SB: I have been sober from hard drugs, I haven’t purged or starved myself, I made commitments to see a therapist twice a week for a while, I started boxing with a personal trainer daily and I have implemented strong habits of checking in with myself hourly and meditating. I’ve replaced bad habits with positive ones. I’ve set boundaries on alcohol consumption. I mostly don’t drink, but when I do certainly no inebriation, and I’m not allowed to drink if I’m anxious or wanting to “escape."
8/9TV: Do you keep a specific schedule for keeping your mental health in check?
SB: I start off the morning with airplane mode, and spend time with myself and getting into the habit with checking in. “How are you feeling?” I actually ask myself that. A lot of the time I don’t feel anything, and just being aware I’m not feeling anything is important.
So, every morning I start my day with myself. I do my stomach breathing. I sit outside. I get my coffee. I start my work day when I’m ready. I make sure i keep myself busy and productive for a minimum of six hours a day. I go for a walk at 6PM. I spend an hour checking in with myself. I make it a thing to always plan a social or leisure activity at night. Whether it’s FaceTiming someone from home or cooking dinner with friends. I just plan something fun to do after 7PM.
My phone is on airplane mode for the last hour before bed. Having the structure has made a really, really big difference. Every time I feel stress, I take air into my stomach and into my chest, and it’s literally changed my physical and emotional state so much.
9/9TV: What would you tell your younger self?
SB: My body is always telling me I’m in danger, I’m constantly in fight or flight mode as a physical habitual reaction to my trauma, so my mind is always racing. Even when I’m out people won’t even know I have high intensity anxiety, and I think for me it was making sure I wasn’t listening to my trauma brain, which was telling me not to live my life.
I wish someone told me I was going to be safe, and that what happened to me wasn’t my fault and that it was wrong and not something I deserved. I’m starting to feel security and I’ve found a community of people who make me feel protected and it’s taken so long to get here. What I want to express to my inner child is it wasn’t her fault.
