It’s a tale as old as time: two people fall in love, share laughs and maybe some tears together, and then it happens. The relationship doesn’t quite feel the same. Something shifts and you know that it’s no longer in your best interest to keep it going. But how do you break up with someone? How do you even say the words after months or years together? How are they going to react? These are all questions you might be asking yourself before you even bring it up.
First and foremost, it’s important to understand that breaking up with your significant other doesn’t make you the bad guy. Sure, they’ll likely be upset and you might feel like the villain in their story, but staying in a relationship that clearly isn’t working isn’t fair to either of you. Your partner might want to make it work, but how can it if you yourself aren’t in the same place you were at the start of the coupling?
Before you pull the plug completely, it’s first important to have a moment of introspection to figure out if the relationship is salvageable or if it’s best to just cut ties before it goes on any longer. This is probably the hardest part of breaking up with someone: knowing when it’s the right time to do it. The truth is, there probably isn’t a right time to break up with someone. It’s going to be difficult whether it’s right before the holidays, after their birthday, or during that really stressful time at work. Our point is, it’s going to suck no matter what. So here’s what to do if you’re ready to break up with someone:
How to Know When It’s Time to Break Up
This can be the biggest issue when it comes to a break-up. How do you know when it’s time to call it quits? If there aren’t any obvious signs of mistreatment — i.e. cheating or abuse — it can make things confusing. You might find yourself in denial that the relationship isn’t working anymore, especially if you’ve invested years of your life and have created a community that centers around your partner.
The best way to figure it out is to talk it out. Having a trusted friend or a family member that you can talk about the relationship with will help you flesh out whether it’s time to move on. Even if that person’s role is just as a listener, it can be useful to say your concerns out loud, instead of keeping them in. If you’re not sure you have someone to turn to, seeking out a therapist or licensed professional can also help.
“When thoughts creep into your head like, ‘Is this somebody who I want to be with long-term? Are there some personality traits that are rubbing me the wrong way? Are we just not seeing each other eye-to-eye?’” Behavioral health therapist at Cleveland Health Clinic, Anjali Kala, LISW, said. “Those are some of the red flags that you might start to think about.”
If you’re unsure exactly what’s bothering you in the relationship that could make you want to end things, consider the following reasons:
- You’ve grown apart. This is probably the hardest pill to swallow. What do you mean we’ve “grown apart?” How can two people who were once so enthralled with each other grow apart? Well, it happens. People grow and change — sometimes in different directions. Their priorities are different. Their tastes are different. They don’t share the same interests anymore. And that’s okay. If spending quality time with your partner doesn’t change things, you might not be compatible anymore.
- You’re no longer attracted to them. While the excitement of the honeymoon phase eventually dims for some couples as they get more serious, there is a difference between settling in and completely losing your attraction toward them. If you find yourself avoiding their touch or you start to see them as more of a friend than a romantic companion, it might be time to reassess. Do you see yourself being physical with someone else instead? That might be your cue.
- You don’t want to spend time together. When you think of that music festival you want to go to, or that trip to Europe you want to take, who do you think of going with? If your partner comes last on the list, maybe they’re not as much of a priority in your life as you thought. Sure, spending quality time with your friends is equally as important — but would you much rather be with them than your significant other? That could be your answer.
- You both want different things. Maybe you’ve grown tired of the town you’re living in, but they don’t want to leave. Maybe you want to have children and they’re not sure they want to be a parent. These are important things to consider in the relationship. If you’re not on the same page about life goals and priorities, it’ll affect your relationship. You might grow resentful because you wanted something different for your life. It’s a tough realization to come to, but sometimes love alone isn’t enough.
Something to also keep in mind is whether you’re breaking up with them because you crave drama, validation, or want to see if they’ll fight for you. Is it less about the relationship and more something that you may need to work on?
“They might be attracted to breaking up, getting back together, the makeup sex, or all the drama that can come with everything,” Kala said. “This is more of an individual issue where therapy could help them map out why they’re repeating this pattern of behavior.”
Some Tips on How to Break Up With Someone
Oof, you’ve reached the hard part. The actual break-up conversation. It might be awkward, it might be emotional, and it might get uncomfortable. But it’s necessary — for both your mental health and theirs. Once you’ve done all that you can do, it’s time to cut the cord. So, how should you do it? Face-to-face? Via text? A message in a bottle? We can’t tell you what to do, but we can give you some pointers that’ll make the process respectful and productive.
In-person is better. This might be a no-brainer to some, but other people can’t stomach the confrontational nature of breaking up with someone face-to-face. Ghosting is always a no-no in our book, and breaking up a serious relationship via text seems like bad karma. So take a few deep breaths and schedule a time to talk to them in person. If you’re long-distance, this might have to be a FaceTime call.
Come prepared. Just like anything painful (job interviews, math tests), showing up unprepared can be disastrous. To avoid saying things you don’t mean, or not getting your point across, it’s best to have what you want to say ready to go before you see them. Maybe write it down beforehand to organize your thoughts. That way, when you’re caught up in emotions, you’ll remember exactly why you’re both there in the first place.
Be honest, but not harsh. They have feelings too. No matter how you present the idea of breaking up, it’s not going to be easy on either of you, but sharing your perspective in a way that's kind can ease the blow. Immediately picking them apart and listing all the things they did wrong might not be conducive. Remember, this is a person you once had deep feelings for. Sandwich the reasons you think you both should break up with positive things to ease the pain.
“I often encourage people to use ‘I’ statements instead of saying, ‘Well you did this,’ or ‘You were terrible,’” Kala continued. “Own it and express how you might not feel secure in the relationship. That gives you ownership and empowers you to do what’s best.”
Stay true to yourself. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the person’s presence and want to just avoid the tough conversation — especially if there is still love between you. But you’re there for a reason. You wanted to end things for a reason. Remember what you have been feeling and refer back to discussions you’ve had with loved ones or professionals. Your partner might try to bargain with you or offer to change, but if it’s something you don’t think can be fixed, you have to stay strong.
Additional Tips
Unless you’re in a dangerous situation and are scared for your physical safety, breaking up with someone should be a two-person affair. That means doing it in a private setting and keeping it between the two of you. Don’t invite friends and family into the conversation — keep it just with your partner.
Stay sober when you’re having the talk. While it may seem tempting to get some liquid courage, staying level-headed is important to convey exactly what you want to say.
Remember to be prepared for your partner to not take the news of breaking up well. They might lash out or have an emotional reaction that you aren’t expecting, so be mindful that it’s likely their response to feeling heartbroken.
Consider things first before you offer to be friends post-breakup. Some couples think that they’ll be able to stay friends afterward, but that might not always work. Sure, it’s hard to part ways with someone completely after a relationship ends, but it might not always lead to friendship, and that’s okay. Eventually, you’ll both move on and be able to accept the end of the relationship.
