There’s nothing like a great connection with someone, but when a relationship ends it can be hurtful, leaving you endlessly searching “How to Get Over Someone.” Maybe even worse, if it never begins in the way that we want it to, getting over an unrequited love is just as hard.
So what does one do to get over someone? And why does it hurt so dang much, no matter the length or situation? “In romantic relationships, we form deep attachment bonds. Our brain and body goes into a state of shock when that connection is severed,” says Amy Chan, author of Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart and host of the Breakup Bootcamp Podcast. “The breakup can trigger a chemical response in the brain that makes you feel intense withdrawal—feelings of anxiety, deep sadness, and even panic.” So, no, you’re not exaggerating — even when you’re not with someone, getting over someone (and a broken heart) can be a painful experience.
Thankfully, it doesn’t always have to be so painful. And there are steps to make it a bit better, day by day. We talked to Chan and Dr. Paulette Sherman, psychologist, author of Dating from the Inside Out, and host of The Love Psychologist podcast to give real expert advice on how to get over a crush, an ex, or something in between.
1. Let Yourself Grieve
First thing’s first: Now’s the time to cry. (Or to scream. Or to just be sad.) “My biggest tip for how to get over a breakup is two fold: Give yourself lots of unconditional love, self-care and empathy; and, also, let yourself cry and grieve that lost attachment,” says Dr. Sherman. “This will help you to remember you are still loveable and it will help you express your pain, and grieve so you do not carry baggage with you.”
No matter your relation to the person of your affections—unrequited, situationship, relationship, or something else entirely—there’s a mourning period of what was maybe once, but is no more. You’re meant to grieve these things. “You’re not only grieving the end of a relationship, you’re grieving a part of your identity, the friendship, the future…” says Chan, who notes that if it’s a true breakup and you shared a friend group, you might also be grieving some friendships and community as well. “That’s a lot to handle emotionally, and can feel overwhelming. It’s important to know that while the intensity of feelings might be overwhelming at first, it does get better as you take care of yourself, nurture your heart, and as you surround yourself with friends and family who support you.”
2. Feel All Your Feelings
It’s important to remember that whatever your relationship status with your ex, your feelings were valid — and you’re going to need to process. “Ironically, fast-tracking the healing of a broken heart requires processing the feelings,” says Chan. “This means, you must allow yourself to feel the emotions without judgment. You let it move through you and let it pass. When we resist the emotions, they get stuck. Resistance looks like distraction, avoidance, and minimizing. When emotions are stuck, they eventually release in some way, often without your conscious control and they often accumulate into ‘baggage’ which you carry with you to your next relationship.” Lose the baggage and feel.
3. Realize It Wasn’t a Failure
“The biggest misconception is that the end of a relationship means it's a failure,” says Chan. “Relationships are here to help us become more conscious. Each one teaches us valuable lessons, sometimes about understanding what we don't want so we can make space for what we do want. The duration of a relationship does not determine its success. If you tried, shared love, and learned, then that relationship, regardless of its duration or ending, was a success.”
4. Avoid Vilifying the Other Person
Dr. Sherman notes that one of the biggest logical fallacies when it comes to ending a relationship or trying to get over someone is that there has to be a bad guy or bad person. “Sometimes people are incompatible, have differing values or visions or they have learned or accomplished what they were meant to do together. In those break ups, it is just a natural evolution and partners can still like and respect each other,” she says.
In that same vein, Chan recommends avoiding talking badly about your ex — yes, no matter how good it feels to “vent” about it. “It might feel good for a moment to say mean things about your ex and you might notice your friends who want to be supportive join in on the vilifying,” she says. “But this is not healthy or helpful to you long term. It only keeps your focus and energy on your ex. When you notice yourself insulting your ex, try to shift and instead say something about what you’re going to do in the future. Maybe you’re going to take up dance lessons or have a trip you’re looking forward to — talk about that instead.”
5. Mark the Lessons
Whether something ended badly, well, or somewhere in between, there’s something to learn from it at the end of the day, agree Chan and Dr. Sherman. “It is good to learn any relationship lessons about yourself, your partner, and relationships in general,” says Sherman. “It helps to get back into high self-esteem and to recognize what you have to offer.”
6. Go Through a Ritual
Both Chan and Dr. Sherman recommend doing a ritual to help you reset and cleanse your mindset and move forward with your life. “You can do a ritual to let go of that person and to wish them well, and then you can create a vision board of what you are looking to attract next, once you are ready,” says Dr. Sherman. “Some people also feng shui their home and let go of things that remind them of that person, then recreate the environment for themselves and cleanse the energy in their space to start fresh.”
Chan recommends journaling to get yourself there and in a routine of moving forward. “Every morning, grab a pen and paper and set a timer for 10 minutes,” she says. “Just start writing with the words ‘I feel…’ and let whatever’s on your mind flow out. This is like emptying all those messy thoughts and feelings onto paper so they don’t keep spinning in your head all day. Research shows that the act of labeling your feelings helps reduce the emotional charge.”
7. Change Your Mindset
It sounds like a big ask, but small shifts can make a big impact when it comes to changing your mindset, and thus, moving on from someone. “I often say that context is key,” says Dr. Sherman, who says negative self-talk, or lamenting that you’ll be alone forever or that no one will ever like you is creating a negative version of yourself and your future admirers in your mind. “You are creating a negative future love life,” she says. “If instead, you tell yourself that you will learn from every relationship and that you will choose even better next time, you are creating space for this to emerge.”
8. Avoid Feeding the Emotional Monster
“When you’re feeling really sad after a breakup, it's important to fight the urge to indulge in behaviors that intensify that sadness, like listening to depressing music or isolating oneself,” explains Chan. “Instead, engage in opposite actions — if you feel like hunching over in sadness, stand tall; if you're inclined to listen to sad breakup songs, switch to upbeat music.” (Or even happy breakup songs.) She notes these approaches align with techniques used in cognitive behavioral therapy and helps combat the emotional intensity of getting over someone.
Another thing Chan suggests, particularly for those who were in a relationship? Disconnect. Don’t view their social media or text them or DM them. “When we continue to go to our ex for connection (whether that connection is positive or negative), we do not allow the old neural pathways to prune away and actually strengthen them. This will prolong the recovery process and just make it harder for you to ‘get over’ your ex,” she says.
9. Know the Hurt and Healing Is Not Linear
You’ll have good days, and you’ll have not-so-good days, both Chan and Dr. Sherman agree. But it’s important to know that whatever you’re feeling isn’t wrong, and it’ll take some time to move forward. “It's important to know that this is a process,” says Dr. Sherman. “Some weeks will seem easier, and then you may have a setback when there is a reminder or trigger. It helps to have down time to grieve and to just be, and structured time to help you connect with others and to get you back into your life again.”
“I’ve noticed in my clients there are many stages of healing that come after a breakup, marked by different emotions,” says Chan. “One stage might be characterized by intense sadness, another stage you may feel anger, then another stage you may feel loneliness and want to get back together. These are all normal to experience. Healing is not linear, you may bounce back from stage to stage and that’s perfectly okay.”
10. Envision Your Future Self and Prioritize Them
You’ll get through this, just like you’ve gotten through your prior struggles. And as you get over someone—whether that’s an ex or a person who had meaning in your life—you’ll want to focus on how and where you see yourself in the future. Hopefully, that’s at peace and happy. “It’s about becoming conscious, about reaching a place where you are at peace and in acceptance, regardless of your relationship status,” says Chan.
