Forget everything you think you know about lesbians. Well, not everything. Some truths remain undeniably unavoidable — say, for example, that whole “being predominantly or exclusively attracted to women and women-aligned people” thing — but for some reason, identifying as a lesbian also comes with a whole bunch of misconceptions and stereotypes. Lesbian myths today range from casually cute to potentially dangerous ones, and despite an uptick in representation in the broader culture (allow us this moment to say a personal, direct “hi” to Reneé Rap and Kehlani), it can feel like lesbian misconceptions aren’t losing steam.
Of course, some stereotypes exist for a reason. Personally, do I own at least 10 beautiful flannel shirts? Yes, proudly. I also own around 30 pairs of Converse sneakers, and I literally have a rainbow tattooed on my body. However, I am fully aware that the next girl I swipe right for on Tinder might hate rainbows and think flannel is downright atrocious. Is nothing sacred anymore? Who can we trust?! Just kidding...
Lesbians may share a label and a letter in the LGBTQIA+ acronym, but most of us couldn’t be more splendidly different from one another. It’s (by far) time the world acknowledges how diverse lesbians and our culture can be instead of lumping us into a few key words and cultural icons. Of course, we can’t really hear that kind of ignorance over the blare of Tegan and Sara’s greatest hits while Carol plays in the background — wink wink —but we know it’s there, and we're demanding change. So, here are some of the most persistent misconceptions about lesbians. Study up, because we're about to turn those perspectives around.
Lesbian myth #15: We’re looking at you in the locker room.
No matter how far we progress as a society, there are always going to be those people who feel “uncomfortable” sharing a locker room with queer folks. Well, here’s some news for you: we’re in the locker room to change clothes. Maybe to shower. Probably to put on some deodorant. Definitely not to convert you to the wild ways of women-lovin’. At the most, we might ask you where you got your cute yet practical workout clothes, but that’s about as crazy as it might get.
Lesbian myth #14: You can identify us by our flannel.
Careful with this one. Flannel has a moment essentially every other autumn, and straight people tend to be all over it just as much as we lesbians are. Take it from someone who’s made this error herself — flannel does not equal lesbian. You can ask that girl wearing an adorable flannel shirt to drinks, but you might just end up with a lovely heterosexual friend instead.
Lesbian myth #13: We all love The L Word.
Oh, The L Word. We’d been slowly drifting away from this being the assumed entertainment obsession of all lesbians, but then Generation Q happened. Personally, I’ve always been more of a South of Nowhere girl myself, but here’s the thing — all lesbians don’t need to watch or identify with a show exclusively about lesbians. What we’d really love are some more fully realized, compelling queer characters in all sorts of films and TV shows. Honestly, give us as many as possible, but The L Word is not the be all and end all of our television queues. Some of us really don’t even like it. But shhh, we can’t really say that out loud...
Lesbian myth #12: We’re all super athletic.
Let me tell you how bad I am at softball. They put the ball on a string in middle school and I still couldn’t hit it. Ladies and gentlepeople, do not feel like a failure because you can’t hit a home run or literally connect your bat to a ball under any circumstance. There’s a world of stuff for us to be good at out there, and it’s not always gonna be sports.
Lesbian myth #11: We’re in love with every woman and woman-aligned person we’ve ever met.
In certain women and femme-heavy circles, when someone comes out as a lesbian, there’s a belief that said lesbian surely must be in love with every woman and woman-aligned person in that group. In other words, because your friend told you they’re a lesbian, they probably have a secret, lesbian-lust motivation for sharing this news with you specifically, right?
Let’s make this simple. Taking the liberty to speak on behalf of all lesbians here, this is all we really want to happen when we come out to you: we want you to know how we identify. That’s it. You’re on a mighty high horse if you think your lesbian friend, by sheer automatic truth of their being a lesbian, is in love with you.
Lesbian myth #10. We have major problems with boys.
Beware the “man-hating lesbians!” Donate your sperm and we can live entirely without you forever! I joke, I joke. Despite the fact we often get quite seriously accused of this, we’re, on the whole, perfectly fine with dudes. Some men aren’t the best, of course, but neither are plenty of women and people of literally all genders. Lots of people just aren’t great. If you’re a man, pretty much the only universal truth about lesbians’ attitudes toward you is that we probably don’t want to make out with you. If you’re good with that, so are we.
Lesbian myth #9: Every lesbian couple “U-Hauls” immediately.
Let’s be real: “U-hauling” (or moving in together immediately) certainly can be a thing. The official U-Haul X (then Twitter) account even acknowledged that when marriage equality was legalized. Sure, we see a lot of our friends moving in after a few dates and wonder if we're next, but a lot of lesbian couples come with two sets of apartment keys. We can date and be just as afraid of commitment as anyone else! And yes, we can side-eye our friends who are “U-hauling” while shaking our fists a bit at the stereotype coming true, because this really, seriously, doesn't happen to everyone.
Lesbian myth #8. We can’t understand our sexuality without dating or being in a relationship.
Oddly, there are people in the world who might try to fight your sexuality if you’re a woman or woman-aligned person who’s never been in a relationship with a woman or woman-aligned person, or if you don’t date. "But how do you really know you're a lesbian?" That’s always a fun question to get asked. It’s perfectly possible to know who you’re attracted to without being wrapped in a person of that gender’s arms. In short: you just know. If you're still figuring it out, you also shouldn't have to defend your journey or personal life to anyone. And you definitely shouldn't feel pressured to date simply because you need to “defend” your identity.
Lesbian myth #7: Because we’re lesbians, that means we have everything in the sex and dating realm figured out.
How about a big “nope” to this one. Lesbians still deal with misogyny in dating and our own host of dating and sex challenges. You may think you’re paying lesbians a compliment by insisting we’ve got it all figured out and are “better off without men” — or, in a common expression heard from cishet women, that you “wish you could be us.” But the reality isn’t that cut and dry, and seemingly-positive stereotypes about lesbians are still stereotypes.
Lesbian myth #6. Lesbian sex isn’t as valid as cis sex involving a penis and vagina.
Wow, do my cishet friends have a lot of questions about lesbian sex. Let me assure you; we’ve got this under control. We want for nothing. Hell, we might even be having a lot more fun than you. Consider: Research has long shown that lesbians have more orgasms than cishet women without being able to pinpoint why. Now, a 2024 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science has added more context, showing the difference could have to do with sexual scripts — or, what people expect to happen in a sexual encounter. That study found that lesbians report higher orgasm expectations from sex, greater “orgasm goal pursuit,” more clitoral stimulation during sex, and overall more orgasms than cishet women. Just as tellingly, the study found that orgasming during sex is equally important to both cishet women and lesbians.
I hate to rub it in, but to those folks out there who are worried that lesbian sex isn’t all it can be and more: please find other things to worry about.
Lesbian myth #5: We’re all oversexed.
Okay, so as we just covered, lesbians do — per scientific studies! — have more orgasms than cishet women. That doesn’t mean we’re all jumping to have sex left and right! It’s super common for lesbians to be fetishized, something that porn created for and by straight viewers doesn’t help. The reality is that, like all human beings, people who are lesbians have a whole range of varying sex drives, and individual people’s sex drives fluctuate with hormones and stages of life, too. In short, no matter what content made for the straight gaze has told you, lesbians don’t as a group have higher sex drives than anyone else.
Lesbian myth #4: We’re all undersexed.
It’s funny how lesbian myths can outright contradict themselves, yet both myth versions just, you know, continue to exist. That makes sense! For as much fetishization as lesbians tend to deal with, we also have to deal with the “lesbian bed death” myth — or, that long-term lesbian couples experience greater sexual activity decline than straight couples. The truth is that two lesbians in a multi-year or even multi-decade relationship are going to experience dry spells, the same as couples of any gender identity and sexual orientation combination do. Saying that lesbians have less sex over time than others just isn’t true, we’re (not) sorry to tell you.
Lesbian myth #3: Because someone identifies as a lesbian, that means you know their gender identity.
Repeat after us: Sexual orientation and gender identity are not the same thing. They may intersect and overlap in ways specific to each individual person, but one — sexual orientation — has to do with which gender or genders you’re attracted to and the other — gender identity — has to do with your own sense of what your personal gender is. See? Not the same. While lesbianism is commonly associated with cis women being attracted to cis women, that’s not all that it is. In keeping with the language we’ve been using here, lesbians are attracted, exclusively or primarily, to women and woman-aligned people. None of that inherently reveals information about the gender identity of the person who’s identifying as a lesbian. You can be non-binary and also identify as a lesbian!
Lesbian myth #2: We’re all TERFs.
Building off our previous point, it’s time we tackle this lesbian myth head-on. It’s unfortunately, for demonstrated reason, become common to see the word “lesbian” made synonymous with TERFs, or trans-exclusionary radical feminists. A 2024 article published in the National Library of Medicine looked at this conflation in detail and says everything we think needs to said here. According to the study’s author: “While TERFs are not always lesbians, lesbians are assumed to make up a large proportion of TERFs…current ideologies within the media are allowing for the slippage between the terms ‘lesbian,’ ‘feminist,’ and ‘TERFs.’ Some scholars are suggesting that equating lesbian identities with transphobia and trans exclusion is but a new form of lesbian marginalization.” The author adds that “through the voices of lesbians across the United States, I illustrate how many lesbians despise TERF ideology and argue that lesbians must stand in solidarity with trans people in the fight for social justice.” To that we say: heard.
Lesbian myth #1: We all fit into the butch or femme dichotomy.
Especially in previous decades, the butch or femme dichotomy was a pretty substantial part of lesbian culture (you can add Stone Butch Blues to your reading list for more information). Now, however, those lines can be and often are blurred. Of course, a lot of lesbians do identify under “femme” or “butch” labels, and there’s no problem with that at all. But don’t go around assuming labels — or assuming anyone’s specific gender identity — based on style or stereotypes. Short haired girls can be femme! Girls with long hair can be butch! Oftentimes labels like butch and femme need not apply at all, and at the end of the day, we’re all just cute girls with great haircuts.
This article was first published in 2015 and has been updated.
