“I still have incredibly homophobic thoughts toward myself constantly,” Reneé Rapp shared in an interview with Them published Thursday. “‘Lesbian’ was not a good word for me to hear as a kid,” she said, “and now it’s something that I have such a close emotional connection to.”
It’s part of a series of steps toward self love and self acceptance, that the singer and actor has taken on her journey of queer expression. It was only in February, Rapp told The Hollywood Reporter, “It is the coolest thing ever because I’ve only recently started referring to myself as a lesbian, and I’ve only recently been in a relationship where I’m like, ‘Yeah, I’m a lesbian for sure.’”
This unfolding, a move from bisexual identity to owning the lesbian label, came after an SNL hosting performance even earlier this year, in which the actor was described by fans and press as “hard-launching” her lesbian identity, an evolution from how she’d previously identified publicly, as bisexual.
She explained her internal thought process to Them, sharing, “I didn’t want to do it and be like, ‘Oh my God, I’m not using the word ‘bisexual,’ and make bisexual people feel shitty,’” she says, narrating her thought process. “I also didn’t want to be like, ‘OK, I’m ‘gay’ and have all the lesbians be like, ‘Say you’re bisexual, then.’ I felt so wrapped up and scared.” Despite the internal tumult, she went for the hard launch – and has affirmed and re-affirmed her lesbian identity ever since.
Still, as with mental health and identity, it’s an ongoing process. “My biggest fear in life is being misunderstood, and music is a place that I strive to not be misunderstood,” she said to Them. “I have brief moments of relief from my own brain when I feel like I understand myself and other people do, too. I don’t feel shame, whereas in every other part of my life, I do, pretty much 24/7.”
