Losing your virginity can be a pretty big deal — and while having sex for the first time may be the subject of a lot of excitement, it’s completely normal to feel a bit anxious, or even afraid. Mostly, though, it's hard to imagine exactly what sex will actually be like when it happens — beyond what you learned in sex education class. Part of this mystery is the fact that first time sex can be different for each person, given the definition of “sex” varies wildly depending on who you ask. And while this moment might feel like the most intimidating thing life can throw at you, communication is the key.
That's why we talked to 23 people to find out exactly what first time sex was like, and what they wished they'd known going in. Before we dive into their real-life experiences, though, let's set the record straight. Below are some of the most common questions people ask about virginity — because we want you to go into losing your virginity (which, by the way, isn’t really a “loss” at all!) feeling as prepared as possible.
What is Virginity?
What does losing your virginity mean? “Virginity” is a concept created to talk about never having had sex with another person — but that definition is tricky since people define sex in different ways. Historically, the idea of virginity promoted the most is one tied to penis-in-vagina intercourse. But that leaves out a whole group of people who aren't even interested in this type of sex. For others, especially those in the LGBTQ+ community, engaging in other types of sex (including oral sex or anal sex) would also equate to losing your virginity. All this makes the idea of virginity deeply personal — it's up to you to define it for yourself, and there is no wrong definition.
Most importantly, the concept of “breaking virginity” or “losing virginity” is a social construct. It's not a medical condition, or anything that carries more meaning than you assign to it. That’s true despite virginity often being incorrectly used by society as a measure of someone’s worth or virtue, which is clear even in the language we use to talk about it. “Losing” your virginity implies that virginity is something surrendered or relinquished, and that you’re deprived of or missing it from that point on. Similarly, “taking” virginity suggests it’s something that can be taken — essentially, that one person has lost a status (“virgin”) and the other person, or the “taker” of that virginity, has acquired one. We’ve used these terms here because they are popular terms that will help you find this article, which includes vetted and reliable information that you might find useful. In general, though, using terms like “first time sex,” or simply, “having sex,” can help take back your agency in this decision.
Here’s the reality. For many people, having sex for the first time feels significant, emotionally or otherwise. For others, it can feel more casual. But in either scenario, you’ve gained a new life experience — not lost some irretrievable part of yourself. We should all have agency over our sexuality, and once we have sex for the first time, we’re no different than we were before.
It’s also critical to know that there's no medical way to prove virginity. For example, breaking a hymen – the thin, fleshy piece of tissue commonly found at the opening of vaginas — can happen in many ways that have nothing to do with sex, from riding a bike to using a tampon. It’s also possible to stretch or break a hymen when using a sex toy to masturbate. Masturbation isn’t the same thing as losing one’s virginity, since when we talk about the concept of virginity, we’re talking about having sex with another person. For its part, masturbation is a totally normal, healthy way to get to know your body, and it can help you figure out what you might enjoy from partnered sex, too. That’s true whether you have a penis or a vagina.
What Happens When You Lose Your Virginity?
First time sex is different for everyone, particularly because sex can mean so many different things. If we’re talking about penis-in-vagina sex, some people feel mild soreness after their first time, while others might experience some vaginal bleeding. Not everyone who has a vagina will bleed from first time sex, though. Sex educator and writer Gigi Engle told Teen Vogue: “Bleeding the first time is normal, but there likely won't be a lot of blood, so don't freak out. Some people bleed, others don't. You're more likely to bleed if your hymen hasn't been broken.”
Others may notice more emotional changes rather than physical ones after having sex for the first time. They may feel closer to their partner, or more grown up. What probably won’t happen? Fireworks. Or dancing unicorns, or everyone else magically knowing you’ve now had sex (even though you’re afraid they can tell). No matter how much first time sex means to you, the entire school won’t suddenly know you’ve had sex. So rest easy there! If keeping this information private is something you’re especially concerned about, though, that’s a good conversation to have with the person you plan to have sex with before you get to know each other biblically.
Speaking of your sexual partner, one thing to be aware of is that sex with your partner may introduce a new dynamic into your relationship. You’ll have to work out things like, will you always do it now? Will you do it every time you’re together, or was it a one-time thing? Even though it may be awkward, it’s good to have conversations about things like that so you’re both on the same page. It’s important to remember that just because you had sex one time doesn’t mean you have your partner’s permission to do it again, and vice versa — getting consent for each sexual act before each encounter is key.
What’s the Average Age People Lose Their Virginity?
We have an entire story dedicated to the average age that people lose their virginity, but the short answer is that there is no “right” age to lose your virginity in a consensual situation. Whenever you feel fully equipped to handle the situation and its aftermath is an indicator that you may be ready to take a relationship to the next level.
Will I Have an Orgasm the First Time?
If you’ve never had sex before, you may be wondering whether you should expect an orgasm from it. In the movies, people have a bunch of orgasms every time they have sex, right? Honestly, this part is totally up to you. You may have an orgasm if that’s something you’re working toward, or you may not be having sex with that goal in mind. Or, simply thanks to all those nerves and anxiety you’ve probably built up about your first time, it might be hard to feel relaxed enough to climax. That can be the case for people with both penises and vaginas. Alternatively, some people with penises may orgasm more quickly than they expected to. Know that sex is still sex no matter what role orgasms play during it, and you’ve got a lot of time ahead to learn how both you and a partner can maximize enjoyment during sex.
How Can I Practice Safe Sex?
Having sex without protection, even for the first time, can lead to sexually transmitted infections or, if it’s penis-in-vagina sex, pregnancy. Dr. Jenny M. Jaque, co-division chief, general OBGYN division at University of Southern California, reminds us that "some STIs are curable and others are not." All STIs are preventable, though, which is why it’s so important to be responsible and practice safe sex when losing your virginity (and well after). This means not being embarrassed about getting tested, talking to your partner about their sexual history, or buying condoms. Dr. Jacque says: "Condoms help decrease the risk of acquiring a sexually transmitted disease if they're used appropriately," making them often the first step in safeguarding sexual health.
For sex that isn’t P-in-V (or penis-in-vagina), things like dental dams or gloves can increase safety, and sex toys should always be cleaned after using them on yourself or another person, too. The material of your sex toys also matters. Jess O’Reilly, sexologist and podcast host of Sex With Dr. Jess, told Teen Vogue she recommends toys made with 100% silicone, borosilicate glass, ABS plastic, or stainless steel, which can all be easily cleaned. “Porous materials [such as] jelly, plastic, rubber, and PVC are harder to clean even if you wipe the surface,” she says. “Bacteria can live in the pores, so I recommend you use condoms with these toys, if possible.”
For anyone having sex with someone who can impregnate them, the other huge part of practicing safe sex has to do with preventing pregnancy. We’ll get into that next.
Can I Get Pregnant My First Time Having Sex?
Yes, for those having P-in-V sex, you can absolutely get pregnant or get a partner pregnant your first time having sex.
When used effectively, condoms can be super helpful in preventing pregnancy, but many people don’t use them correctly. That’s why Dr. Jaque suggests talking with your doctor about additional birth control options. There are many different kinds of birth control for folks with vaginas, from the pill to the NuvaRing to an IUD. There’s even a new birth control gel in development for people with penises, too! Your doctor will help you choose the right birth control type for you based on your medical history and your life; if your schedule makes it hard to take a pill at the same time every day, for instance, that's probably not your best option. If relevant, a doctor will also help you find the right birth control for the kinds of periods you have; certain birth control methods can help make periods less painful or heavy.
You can also talk to your physician about what happens when you have sex for the first time, whether it’s right for you right now, and any other questions you have about sex that you may be too embarrassed to talk about with a family member. Topics could include practicing safe sex; signs, symptoms and prevention of STIs; contraception; and what to expect in terms of whether losing your virginity is painful.
Does Losing Your Virginity Hurt?
Speaking of which, you might be nervous that you’ll feel some pain during your first time. For most people, this is mild and typically only lasts for a few times. Planned Parenthood says that some people with a vagina “may feel some pain the first time they have sex,” particularly if you “haven’t put anything into your vagina before” like a finger, tampon, or sex toy. The best way to prevent pain during P-in-V sex is to use plenty of lube made from natural ingredients to prevent irritation. If your first time having sex is anal, a quality anal lube is crucial, since the anus doesn’t self-lubricate the way a vagina does.
Still feeling worried about the potential for pain? Know that both the vagina and anus are elastic parts of the body, with the vagina in particular featuring a ton of built-in elasticity. (Case in point: Depending on how you were delivered as a baby, you may owe your entrance to the world to the vagina’s elasticity!) As someone having P-in-V sex, it’s possible your vagina won’t feel super elastic your first time, though. If your hymen hasn’t yet been stretched or broken, it could cause your vagina to feel tight and make inserting a penis feel a little more challenging.
That said, for a lot of people, what’s really happening here is that due to nervousness, your vagina might not be as relaxed and self-lubricated as it’ll typically get when you feel turned on. Getting “wet” when aroused is the vagina’s way of making sex easier. For people having anal sex for the first time, not feeling relaxed or sufficiently turned on can make penetration more difficult, too. This is why lube is, once again, super important. But it’s also why going slowly and starting things off with foreplay matters — no matter what body parts are involved, non-penetrative sex ultimately makes penetrative sex better, too!
Aside from physical discomfort, societal constructs will often work to make people — especially those who identify as women — feel guilt after losing their virginity. For many women-identifying people, there is perceived shame around sexual freedom. With these expectations and stereotypes, you may feel some emotional pain pop up. Do yourself a favor and let that breeze right past. Acknowledge any emotions you’re having — hopefully excitement or happiness is one of them, if the experience is good! — and move on. Everyone is on their own timetable and there’s no shame around something you feel good about.
Remember: There’s No Right or Wrong Way to Have Sex.
The only wrong way to have sex if it’s not a consensual situation — and it’s beyond important to make sure you and your partner are on the same page before jumping into it. But when it comes to the actual act, there are many ways that people define sex, as we’ve touched on before. For some, sex isn’t defined as penis-in-vagina penetrative sex. Anal, oral, fingering, hand jobs, genital rubbing — there are groups of people for whom each of these acts count as sex. It’s best to assume that your definition could be different from your partner’s, so have a conversation exploring these definitions before thinking logistically about losing your virginity.
In the end, the best way to lose your virginity is always going to be when you personally feel ready and when there’s trust, dialogue, and a sense of safety between you and the person you intend to have sex with, regardless of whether they’re your S.O. or a more casual partner.
How Do I Stop Unwanted Sexual Advancements?
If you’re not ready to have sex and are feeling pressured, there are a few things you should do. Most importantly, don’t place any personal blame or shame on yourself. You can’t control the actions of others, but you can take steps to make yourself feel supported and safe. If the pressure has only occurred during conversations and you aren’t in immediate danger, tell someone you trust and ask them to help make sure you won’t be alone with the person in the future. If the person has made physical advances and you’re in a private situation, feel empowered to voice your opposition: What you feel matters, and if they value you as a person, they should back off. From here, make sure and set a time to talk about physical boundaries so there is less gray area.
If you’ve voiced your resistance and the other person is still moving forward — this is sometimes called sexual coercion, or the act of feeling like you owe another person sex — the Office on Women’s Health guides people to do whatever you can to remove yourself from the situation. Call an adult who you trust and put yourself in an environment where there are other people around until they can pick you up or you can make your way somewhere safe. Above all else, never forget that you don’t owe anyone sex or physical intimacy, no matter what the situation is or who they are.
What People Wish They'd Known Before Having Sex for the First Time
When it comes to losing your virginity, there's plenty to talk about beyond safety. And while we could sit here and write about all of the ways it might be different for each person, we wanted to get some firsthand experiences to consider. Here, 23 people share the candid truth about their sexual experiences, including what they wish they'd known before having sex for the first time.
1. That you probably won't orgasm at the same time as your partner, or experience a first-time orgasm at all.
"I wish I had known that it's uncommon and difficult to orgasm at the same time as your partner. I told my freshman year roommate that I felt embarrassed about that, and she told me it was pretty tough, and she had never finished at the same time as her boyfriend." —A
2. That it's OK to talk about losing your virginity.
"I wish I had known that talking about my virginity with the person I was sleeping with wouldn't have to be awkward if I didn't want it to be. I was the one feeling uncomfortable with my virginity, not the person I was sleeping with. Don't be scared, just be honest and it'll be fine." —D
3. That penis-in-vagina sex isn't the only way to lose your virginity.
"I wish I would've known that it wasn't necessary and that there are other ways to participate in sexy behavior without going all the way. I truly thought that was the only real 'representation' of sexuality when in reality there are SO many others." —A
4. That not everyone bleeds.
"Movies and books made me think my sheets would look like the scene of a horror film afterwards, but I didn't bleed at all. I think if I'd known that beforehand, I would have been able to relax and enjoy it a little more." —J
5. That you might need to prepare with lube.
"You'll need lube, mama. Also [with] anal sex, it might make you feel like you really gotta pee if his penis is pushing up against your bladder in a weird way!" —G
6. That sex won't necessarily feel super emotional.
"I thought I would feel changed, and then I didn't at all. The truth is that I was lucky — my first time happened with my first love, at 16, and it was lovely in a really cheesy way. But afterward I didn't feel closer to him. It wasn't until college that sex became a way to intimately connect on any level." —E
7. That sex isn’t always magical.
"It probably won’t be all that special. Sometimes when people talk about your first time or movies portray losing your virginity, it's this built-up magical moment with someone you’re deeply in love with. For me that was not the case at all. It was with someone I trusted and it was fine, but definitely not the start of a romantic comedy." —A
8. That even virgins can have sexually transmitted infections.
"I wish I'd known — like really, really known — that if the guy has ever hooked up with someone else, they should get tested way before we do anything together. I didn't catch anything when I lost my virginity, but I definitely could have. It can happen to you and it does change a lot about your life." —B
9. That sex doesn’t change you.
"I wasn't expecting it to be really good necessarily, but I remember lying there thinking, 'Oh, this is sex? This is it?' I was dating my first real boyfriend and I had built up sex in my mind for a long time, and then all of a sudden it happened and I was not a virgin anymore, but I didn't feel any different. I guess I was just expecting to feel more adult." —M
10. That I should have waited until I was sober.
"I wish I hadn't been drunk. I thought it would help me quiet the anxiety and just get it over with, but now I understand that needing to drink was actually a blaring signal that I was not ready, and that he was not the right person." —K
11. That sex would take a while before it actually felt good.
"Sex did not feel good/amazing/life-changing the first, second, or even fifth time I had it. It took seven times before I started to feel something remotely enjoyable. I'm glad I kept with it!" —J
12. That I shouldn't have worried about how old I was.
"I loved the way I lost my virginity. So I would have told myself to stop worrying that it hadn't happened yet. You'll be so glad you waited until you were obsessed with someone, someone you could trust and giggle and high-five through it." —B
13. That your partner is freaking out, too.
"You're not the only one worrying. The first two boys I slept with both had major performance anxiety and shared my pregnancy paranoia." —A
14. That I should have only told my inner circle of friends.
"Even if you're dying to talk about it, make sure you're telling people whom you trust, people who care about your best interest and not about spreading gossip. It's also OK to keep it between you and your partner, assuming it's a healthy relationship." —D
15. That sex isn't just about your partner.
"The whole baseball analogy is really focused on the guy's pleasure. I thought I had to hit every base first, with sex as the finale or something. Now I know that I can do a lot or a little with a partner, and it's completely up to me. I don't have to feel pressured to make sure he finishes." —A
16. That sex can hurt in a totally unexpected way.
"I was prepared for the worst, because you're told that he is actually tearing through you the first time. Terrifying. My first time did hurt, but in a way I couldn't have anticipated. I was super aware of this foreign object inside of me, poking into my internal organs…or so it felt. Now I know better about the anatomy of the situation, but it was all I could think about at the time." —K
17. That I could feel literally nothing during sex.
"It wasn't good, it wasn't bad. It felt like absolutely nothing to me, like someone touching my leg." —A
18. That, to my partner, vaginal sex was just a way to "seal the deal."
"I lost my virginity in the most cliche way possible: to my long-term boyfriend at our senior prom. I thought I was in love at the time, but everything changed after we had sex. He grew completely distant and didn't seem to care about maintaining our relationship. I found out he had bragged to all his friends about 'sealing the deal,' and we broke up shortly after." —L
19. That no one would be able to tell you’ve lost your virginity.
"After we were done, my then-boyfriend and I met up with my friends at the diner where we always hung out. I was all smile-y and quiet and sharing looks with my BF, like 'Can people see we just had sex?'" —J
20. That having sex would bring us closer together.
"I lost my virginity to my serious boyfriend of three years. We talked about waiting until marriage, but one night, it just happened. I was completely at ease the entire time, and he made sure I felt comfortable and loved. Having sex actually brought us closer together as a couple. We shared an intimate moment neither one of us had experienced before, and he couldn't have been more considerate about my feelings. I now know I can trust him completely, and we're still very much in love." —C
21. That my boyfriend was using me.
"We had been dating a few months, and I felt it was right. I broke up with him a few weeks later because, as it turns out, he was in love with my best friend the whole time. I don't regret it because I was emotionally prepared for the experience, but I wish I had known he was using me to get to my friend before we had sex." —A
22. That I would feel regret.
"I was 17 when I lost my virginity to my ex-boyfriend. He had recently broken up with me, and I thought having sex would bring us back together. About a week later, his relationship status on Facebook changed from 'single' to 'in a relationship' with a girl I had never heard of before. I felt completely used, and immediately regretted my decision to sleep with a guy who clearly didn't care about me. Now I'm in a committed relationship, and I understand what real love should feel like." —M
23. That honesty is always the best policy.
"I lost my virginity to my boyfriend halfway through our junior year of high school. We were completely honest with one another for the five months we dated before having sex — we shared secrets we hadn't told anyone else. We felt really connected to each other, so I knew the time was right, and we're still together now!" —A
This article has been updated to include the most current information.
