Figuring out what to say when someone dies can, at times, feel impossible. You might be afraid of saying the wrong thing to someone who is grieving and worry that your well-meaning sympathy text could be upsetting. You could even be questioning whether you should message them in the first place. Often, those thoughts look like: Am I close enough to this person to broach such a painful, vulnerable subject? Would they want to hear from me? Do they want to hear from anyone right now, or are they probably too overwhelmed to want to text? What can I even say to this person that would be remotely comforting to them?
I’ll stop you there. Before you keep going in circles about what to tell a grieving friend, know this: The truth is that, for someone who’s just lost a loved one, nothing you say to them is going to be “comforting.” Taking away this person’s pain isn’t just impossible — it’s besides the point. As someone who has been on the receiving end of their fair share of sympathy messages and condolence texts, I can tell you that it’s rarely what someone says that matters. If anything, it's just the fact they said something at all.
I lost my older brother when I was 14, and my phone was initially flooded with messages. In the days following his passing and leading up to the funeral, I must have received hundreds. But after the service was over, the messages began to slow, and eventually they stopped all together. On my brother’s birthday, just a few months after his death, only a couple people reached out, and on that first Christmas without him, there were even fewer who did. Although I was grateful for the early expressions of love and support, it was the messages I received in the months and years after the service that made the most impact.
“Often people in grief are flooded with support for the first couple of weeks when they are still in shock and not really ready to process what happened,” says Charlyn Ruann, PhD, the founder and executive director of Thrive Psychology Group. “Then in a month or two, when they come out of that foggy feeling of shock and want to talk it through, their friends and family have moved on and forget to check in on them when they actually need it most.” To prevent this from happening, Ruann recommends setting reminders in your calendar to reach out periodically, just so you don’t forget. For close friends and loved ones, you may want to do that for repeat dates that will always mean something different now, like the date a loved one died or that person’s birthday.
What else can you do and say when someone passes away to check in and show that you care? And, although it really is the intention and attention that count, is there anything you should try not to say to someone who is grieving? Find some best practices next, including a couple more tips from grief experts and example texts of what to say when someone dies that’ll make that first reach-out easier.
What to message someone who is grieving
In my experience, when enduring something as isolating as grief, any notion that you are not alone is comforting. Receiving continued messages of support helped me to feel less alone in my grief, and also acted as a reminder that my brother was not forgotten.
To let someone who’s grieving know they’re in your thoughts, here are some pointers to keep in mind:
- Make sure they know there’s no pressure to respond, and tell them you’ll check in again. Grieving people may not have the energy or words to reply immediately. When texting someone for the first time after a death, a no-pressure approach removes any sense of obligation, and saying you’ll check in again lets them know you’ll be there. Psychotherapist and grief counselor Kevin Kozin, MTS, LICSW, suggests offering a time frame in your initial message, like a week or two out, for when you’ll check on them next.
- Let them know you’re here to listen. But don’t promise things you may not actually be available for (for example, answering late-night phone calls if you’re someone who goes to bed early). Reliability can go a long way in helping grieving people feel less alone, so if you tell a person who’s mourning that they can count on you for something, try to make it something you can really see through.
- Be specific with offers of support. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” is good. But “can I take XYZ off your plate?” is even better. Someone who just lost a loved one may not know what kind of help to ask for, and offering specific ideas shows your desire to support them is real. This may not be right for an initial sympathy text, which is often better kept as a simple, sincere, and relatively succinct acknowledgement of loss. But in follow-up texts, it’s a great way to help someone know they’re supported.
- Volunteering information about a loss you’ve experienced. You want to show empathy, but not in a way that shifts the focus to yourself. Talking about your own grief in this moment (unless asked about it) can also give the appearance of suggesting that you know how this person is feeling, and that isn’t the case. Everyone’s experience with loss and grief is personal to them, so try to avoid language that could sound like you know just what they’re going through or that you’re giving them advice.
- Sentences that start with “at least.” When talking to someone who’s just lost a loved one, it’s really important not to come off as minimizing their pain in any way. Toxic positivity is real, and it shouldn’t have a role in sympathy messages to someone who’s in mourning. Your intentions may be good when stating that “at least this person isn’t in pain anymore,” for instance, but it’s not the most helpful point to make.
- “I didn’t reach out before because _____.” Maybe you’ve been dealing with a personal or family challenge yourself. Or maybe you weren’t quite sure what to say when learning of a death, and you let some time accumulate before reaching out. Here’s the thing: There’s never a bad or wrong time to share sympathy and say that you care about someone. Is it good to show support early if you can? Yes, it is. But is it also good to show support whenever you’re able, even if that’s later on? Definitely. Working through grief takes a long time, and we promise that this person won’t find it “weird” or “too late” to hear that they’re in your thoughts, even if some time has passed. So, don’t spend time on the “whys” behind your timing when you message them. Just let them know they’re on your mind and in your heart.
Reaching out to someone who’s just experienced a loss isn’t about finding the perfect words that will heal the pain of grief. Instead, messaging a friend who’s grieving is a form of showing up for them, even if they’re far away or you haven’t talked in awhile, in a way that just happens to involve words.
Ruann says: “It is about showing that friend you love them, that you are there for them, and you will continue to be there for them, even several months or years down the road.”
If you are still struggling to come up with what to say when someone dies, consider a few of these samples when writing a message of your own.
What to say when someone dies: 5 supportive texts to send
“Hey [name], I am so sorry about the loss of [name]. I love you and want to be there to support you in any way I can.”
“Hey [name], I am so sorry about the loss of [name]. I wish I could have met your brother [or whatever term applies], but know that if he was anything like you he must have been amazing. I can’t wait to hear more about him, whenever you are ready to share.”
“I love you and want you to know that I will stay by your side no matter what. I want to be there for you in whatever capacity you need me, in silence, or in tears. [Name] was an incredible human being who will forever leave an impression on my life. You and [name] will always be family to me.
“Hey, I know it’s been a while. I want to let you know how much I’m thinking of you and [name]. I remember the stories you shared, and the way you spoke of them. I can’t begin to imagine your loss. I’ll reach out in a few weeks to connect again, but for now just know that I am thinking of you.”
Hey, I want to let you know that I’m thinking of you and [name] I remember the time______. I'll always keep that memory close to my heart, and I’m so grateful I had the chance to know them. I’ll reach out in a few weeks to connect again.”
