On July 7, Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady began posted screenshots of what she said were former couple’s texts on Instagram as a “warning to all girls.” The couple started publicly dating in 2021 and broke up in 2022. In the texts, Brady accused Hill, an actor known for his roles in Superbad, 21 Jump Street, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall among other roles, of being a “misogynist,” a “narcissist,” and “emotionally abusive.” The claims came less than a year after Hill released a film called Stutz, in which he interviewed his therapist.
Though Brady is a surfer, the text messages show what Brady says is Hill seemingly telling Brady to take down photos of her surfing. One message shows a person whose contact is saved as Jonah outlining what he calls “his boundaries” which include “surfing with men; boundaryless inappropriate friendships with men; to model; to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit; to post sexual pictures; friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past beyond getting a lunch of coffee or something respectful.” “I am not the right partner for you … if these things bring you to a place of happiness I support it and there will be no hard feelings. These are my boundaries for romantic partnership.”
The messages went viral on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram, with people weighing in on whether they thought these kinds of “boundaries” can be imposed on someone, whether Brady was in the wrong for sharing the messages, and how we use “therapy-speak” in our personal relationships. Teen Vogue has reached out to Jonah Hill for comment.
To help wade through some of the complicated topics that this story brought to light, Teen Vogue spoke to experts to learn more about what boundaries actually are, how they can be misused, and what to look out for in relationships.
What are boundaries?
Quincee Gideon, PsyD, a psychologist based in Los Angeles, said boundaries can technically entail setting a limit for others like ‘you can’t yell at me like that’ or ‘please don’t speak to my children that way.’ But Gideon urges clients to question the impact of a boundary. “If the overall impact is to control, coerce or manipulate, then it’s not a boundary,” Dr. Gideon said. “A healthy boundary is ‘I support your desire to surf and see your friends. Have fun! And I’m going to sit this one out.’ Rather than “I will not support you hanging out with other men while you surf.”
Can “therapy speak” be weaponized?
The weaponization of therapy terms happens when a person uses the concepts and phrases they use in therapy to manipulate or control another person. Jessi Gold, MD, a psychiatrist at Washington University, said weaponizing therapy speak is becoming more common with the rise of TikTok, on which therapy terms often go viral without context. “Weaponizing is a step beyond misusing,” Dr. Gold explained. “The purpose of therapy is to have self-awareness, it’s not to control other people’s behavior… it’s to understand your own.” Dr. Gold pointed out that though social media and the proliferation of “therapy speak” makes it easier to weaponize, the phenomenon is hardly new. “Someone might do something to upset you and you say ‘you need to go to therapy’,” Dr. Gold said. “When someone does something you don’t like, instead of saying ‘that feels hurtful’ or ‘I don’t like that’, you lean on therapy terms.”
What is narcissism?
In her posts, Brady accused Hill of being a narcissist – Hill has never mentioned a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis, nor would clinicians who don't personally treat him likely issue any sort of official diagnosis. Still, accusations of narcissism are something that comes up often in relationships so it’s worth exploring the true meaning.
Teen Vogue asked Jaime Zuckerman, PsyD, an expert on narcissism, what may signal narcissistic behavior. Dr. Zuckerman said love bombing is one early sign in a narcissistic relationship. The Cleveland Clinic defines love bombing as a “form of psychological and emotional abuse [that] is often disguised as excessive flattery” and Dr. Zuckerman notes that the behavior is a culmination of many factors. Those may include the person telling you their exes are “crazy”, the person telling you that you’re their soulmate before you even know them, the relationship moving extremely fast, and the person buying you lavish gifts early in the relationship. “It’s more than just a fast connection,” Dr. Zuckerman said. “People describe this stage as a tidal wave [with] a fast and furious onset.”
When love bombing happens, it usually ends and other troubling behaviors arise. Narcissistic personality disorder may present itself in different ways and is a culmination of several behaviors, not just a few of them. According to Dr. Zuckerman, those include slow attempts to isolate you from friends and family, a constant feeling of walking on eggshells around your partner, your partner having a grandiose image of themselves that, when challenged, may send them into a narcissistic rage, and anger outbursts behind closed doors but a calm and charming demeanor in public.
After Brady’s posts, former Nickelodeon star Alexa Nikolas, who played Nichole on Nickelodeon’s Zoey 101, accused Hill of predatory behavior. Nikolas said she was 16 when Hill “slammed me to the door and shoved his tongue down my throat” at a party. “I was so appalled I pushed him off of me and ran inside,” Nikolas wrote in a series of tweets. “I’ve been traumatized by men in hollywood. It’s truly sad the traumatic events I have lodged in my body and mind. Things have to change.”
Hill’s attorney, Marty Singer, told Deadline the accusations were a “complete fabrication.”
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Want more from Teen Vogue? Check this out: How Do I Set Boundaries at Work? Here Are Some Tips
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